Latter-Day Singles
Dear Utah Singles,
I stared down, twisting the thin rim of my glass and studying the scratches on the wooden table as my friends went on about the horrible or funny dates they’d been on. I heard names thrown out: Kyle, Ryan, Chad, Josh—someone’s cousin, a friend of an ex. I listened attentively with nothing to contribute, self-conscious of being a bore. I laughed along, sipping my drink. What is it with me? My friend of five years recently got married and another announced she was pregnant this week while I am still my same, single self. Surely, if I were a twenty-three-year-old anywhere else in the world, I wouldn’t feel so behind and strange.
If a stranger came to visit the beautiful state of Utah for the first time, they would quickly learn that many people who live here marry young and marry fast. This culture is a result of numerous LDS teachings, young adult devotionals, and conference talks that conflict with “worldly pursuits,” such as marrying at an older age. This was directly addressed in the 2018 General Conference statement, “Many young adults delay marriage until temporal needs are satisfied…the average age of our Church members’ marriages has increased by more than two years, and the number of births to Church members is falling.” We as members are also told that “Each of these trends works against our Father’s divine plan of salvation” (Oaks). So it seems safe to say that young marriages fill Utah’s culture because of the LDS Church, but I can’t seem to catch onto the thought of having a relationship with someone for several months and knowing for certain they are my lifelong partner.
Given this guidance from the church, it is essential to find an “eternal partner” and start a family as we have been commanded, yet why have we interpreted this to begin so soon in our adult lives? I used to think people were uncomfortable with being alone, not yet comfortable with themselves, so they settled and never looked back. Or are people desperate for physical touch (the kind the Church deems as sinful outside of marriage)? The scandalous part in this would be the families ashamed of their children who have “strayed off the covenant path and disobeyed the law of chastity” by having sex (unmarried). So, they bribe their children by buying them a house and convincing them to have a shotgun wedding before anyone notices—a true story I was told, by the way, which brings up a whole new conversation. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Of course, as members, marriage is the end goal for salvation, but why is there a sense of urgency and rush?
One reason could be that marrying young in the church is seen as a blessing, a sacred commitment part of our life’s plan that has been mapped out for us since the very beginning: baptism by eight, priesthood or young women’s by twelve, serving a mission by eighteen, dating, marriage, and children at some point in your 20’s and so on. When we look around, almost every young adult in Utah has created several dating profiles on various dating apps, seeking a friend of a friend, a set-up, or a hook-up. Each is attempting and forcing their way into sealing the last step of the Church’s life plan, impatient, as if made to feel they have an expiration date. I wonder if we’re just so used to hearing the same remarks and teachings about marriage, we believe it should look similar for everyone sitting in the same chapel. Even if wanting something later than sooner is equally reasonable. Even if it looks different.
This trend in the church always makes me ask myself if people are ever afraid when they throw themselves into marriages after dating for short periods. Some of the time, friends tell me, “It just feels right” or “You just know,” sounding all too much like the saying “Love is blinding.” Every circumstance and person is different, I know, and every person is entitled to think and do what they like. Yet, for some reason, we’ve created a culture in Utah where being single and not actively dating in your 20s is rare and sometimes even questionable. Our culture has normalized unhelpful comments such as “How are you single when you are so pretty/handsome/smart/XYZ?” from family members or “Maybe you’re too picky” from friends. This may come from a place of love but always feels unnecessary to answer. Dating is hard as it is. Speaking from personal experience, when I say I am not interested in dating at this time in my life, most think I don’t mean it or suddenly feel the need to jump into therapist mode and analyze a deeper reason for this other than what I tell them.
Personally, I’ve seen too many Dateline episodes to know that “I never really knew him” could be my own reality. But aside from this, my twenties are for growing into the person I will become. My twenties are the rough draft and ongoing process for the rest of my life, so why would I give someone I’ve known for a few small moments this version? To grow together, side by side, and love every version of each other seems…messy. What if that version is not who they fell in love with? People grow and change, and some beliefs become outdated, so what if they don’t align like they used to? What if I want to know myself before someone else does?
If you are like me, with the same questions and thoughts, I once read there is no magical “falling in love.” There is only working toward love. This working process takes time, time that is different for everyone. Even after the fact, when you know for certain someone is right for you, the process of improving yourself doesn’t go away; love is a life-changing process that should challenge us to grow and alter. This never-ending process is the same for everyone—whether you marry now or in ten years, whether you are bouncing from relationship to relationship, whether you are actively still seeking a lifelong partner or, like me, are single and not yet interested. Whether you know yourself already or want to understand yourself more–with or without someone by your side–is entirely up to you and you alone.
Every time I’ve entered the chapel in a YSA ward, I feel this rush of anxiety like my every move is being perceived as a potential new addition to the dating pool. I sit on the cold metal chairs, switching my posture every few minutes to find comfort. Sometimes, I hear whisperings from rows, observe established friend groups and cliques, adults who spend all of sacrament scrolling on their phones, and couples who will either be married or broken up in a week. It all feels unwelcoming, the idea of being placed in a ward to make new friends with a bigger purpose of leaving in a relationship that leads to marriage. Too often it feels as though a majority of the members attend for the wrong reasons. Where can I find balance in attending church for spirituality, love, and devotion to the gospel? When did this all become a twisted emphasis on being “Single” and needing to do something about it? Since when did being happy and single become so unheard of that almost no one believes you?
The truth is that I envy those who find it so easy to love, so easy to know themselves. This branch of life seems so attainable and clear to them, like nothing else was ever meant to happen. But I imagine my single self in so many different ways, with desires and plans constantly in flux, already growing and changing as I sit and type this. So, I will let you know when I am ready to date, but I can do without the pity remarks, match-making attempts, or friendly pushes that don’t feel so friendly.
Sincerely, your single and happy friend who feels like the only one left in Utah.