How to Be a Fence Sitter
I am a queer, nonbinary Mormon at BYU. As I navigate this seemingly contradictory space, I am sure of one thing: this is who I am. It’s worth noting that I haven’t always felt this way. About a year ago, after submitting my application to BYU, I tearfully explained my intentions to leave the Church to my family. I consequently began to attend Episcopal services for almost six months.
While I felt loved and validated in such a progressive religious space, I knew that something was absent. I missed the hordes of snot-faced children rushing through the hallways. I missed the tears shed over the pulpit during the monthly fast and testimony meeting. I missed my dear friend, a gun-toting Vietnam War veteran, who embraced me with tears in his eyes when I came out to my ward. I finally recognized the incredible and unique sanctity that lies in the Mormon chapel. I can now thank God that we are forced to go to church with people we don’t like, at least at first.
Just as Mormonism encapsulates the full spectrums of political, ethnic, and ideological diversity, I too have found myself the vessel of warring identities. It is virtually impossible to fully “belong” to both the LGBTQ+ and Mormon communities. That is why I am a self-proclaimed fence-sitter. This term is often used disparagingly to mock those that don’t have the bravery to ‘pick a side’. In all actuality, refusing to choose between the two is the most daunting path of all. This is the path that queer Mormons are called to walk.
Unlike civil rights movements of the past couple of centuries, we have the choice to exit the systems that actively oppress us. This presents itself as both a blessing and a curse. While we can take evasive action if our safety is compromised, activism work often becomes easily dismissible. Many queer students at BYU are told by faculty, friends, and even family that it would be better if they leave. For some, leaving is most definitely the best choice for their mental and spiritual health. However, there is an increasing population of students that simply refuse to play into the false dichotomy that is shoved down our throats on a consistent, if not daily, basis. We understand that for us, our queerness and our faith are not mutually exclusive, but rather mutually reinforcing. We occupy a space that doesn’t yet exist.
It is important to acknowledge that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the organization responsible for constructing the ‘fence’ that splits queer saints in two. Thus, the duty to address these issues falls squarely on the shoulders of the Church. The message of the restored gospel is one that promotes limitless love, acceptance, and mercy. Queer exclusion, along with the sexism, racism, and classism within the Church, contradicts and negates this message.
While many active and faithful Mormons seek to find a way to include queer people within the bounds of the Eternal Plan, it is important to recognize that these efforts lie in direct opposition to official Church policy and doctrine. In Dallin H. Oaks’ October 2019 Women’s Session talk, Two Great Commandments, he made it clear that there is no place in the celestial kingdom for LGBTQ+ Saints who choose to live in affirmation with their God-given identities. Instead, queer members are relegated to the same realm of heaven inhabited by history’s worst villains, murderers, and criminals.
I simply don’t believe this to be true. I, along with countless others, have found much sanctity and holiness within queer relationships, and I refuse to give up the opportunity to have a family of my own. Even if I am denied access to sacred temple ordinances because of my queerness, I know, from the deepest parts of my being, that God knows who I am and is proud of me.
Thus, it is time to act. Whether you belong to the queer community or not, we must join together and act against the divisions that have been placed between us. Change will happen soon at BYU. It is not a revolution or radicalization. Rather, it is the next step in the gradual unfolding of the Restoration as we prepare ourselves for the coming of Christ. We love BYU. We love our queerness. We love our Savior. We refuse to choose between two equally sacred truths.